I started drinking beer on the weekends in high school, around the age of 14-15. I remember the first time I got drunk; it was a feeling I never wanted to end. I felt on top of the world, as if I had all the confidence a man could have. I proceeded to binge drink throughout high school and then into college. While at college, I met guys who were more progressed in their disease than I was. I drank with them almost on a daily basis, and experimented with every illicit chemical under the sun. You name it, I’ve done it at least twice (except for peyote). I was drunk, stoned, tweeking, or on the nod every single day in college.

I’m a musician, and learned that alcohol was a great way to kill performance anxiety. It helped me overcome stage fright and play the guitar and bass more comfortably…at first. Later it simply became another hurdle.

By the time I graduated and got my first job at 24, I often joked to friends that drinking was one of the few things I “learned” in college. B.A. – Bachelor with Alcoholism.

What it was like:

I first started to realize I had a problem when I would compulsively buy a 6 pack (later, a 12 pack) every night after work and drink alone. In a sense, I was still living the college life…but I preferred drinking alone. It minimized the embarrassment, the fights, and the verbal arguments that I would usually get into. After a year or two, my drinking progressed to a pint of bourbon nightly…then a pint and a six pack. Before long, I was depressed, lonely, and showing up to work late w/ a hangover every day. I realized it was getting out of control.

But I needed to do more ‘research’. I continued to drink progressively for the next 7 years before making my first real attempt at sobriety in 2005. I entered an outpt program at Laguna Beach, CA. They wanted me to go inpt, as my blood pressure was 200/100 from drinking 2-3 pints of vodka daily, but I refused because I was afraid of missing work and losing my job.

Their program was 12-step oriented, and included lots of exposure to AA. I had problems with the ‘god talk’ and other spiritual themes, as most do. But I tried very hard to maintain an open mind. I had three sponsors during and after my outpt treatment. Two of them relapsed before I did. The third was very rigid…an AA literalist. We had a personality conflict, and I didn’t feel as if he was supportive of my sobriety. He simply liked being in control of the relationship.

Needless to say, I was drinking again after four months of sobriety. This continued for three more years. During this time I discovered SOS (Secular Org for Sobriety) in Los Angeles, and sporadically attended meetings there. I really liked the supportive environment, and the lack of HP themes and the whole ’sponsor’ thing. It was a group of alcoholics that shared their experiences about what kept them sober. Most of them made themselves available 24/7. I mention SOS because it was a support group that I felt more at home in. Even though I continued to drink off and on, it planted seeds which would later empower me to achieve what I have now.

What happened:

After losing three jobs (one of which I really liked), the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, countless other potential romantic partners, having my condo foreclosed on, and then moving back into my parent’s basement…I was fed up. I never had a grand spiritual experience or conversion that convinced me to do anything. Some describe such things, but for me that never happened. I think I just got sick of the cycle. I was done. My life was not turning out the way I wanted it to and I realized the major barrier was my dependence on alcohol.

My job performance was in the toilet, I found myself constantly lying to others, and I lost many friends as a result. I was hiding at home with my habit and my secrets. My life was generally directionless and lacking in meaning, cliche, cliche.

On September 14 2008, I got drunk at home and passed out in front of the pc. I had horrible nightmares about having a heart attack and dying at age 34. I even remember seeing a news headline and a police photo of my death scene. Almost as if it were an out-of-body experience…witnessing my corpse from above. When I awoke, I was sweating and shivering. I had never been so afraid in my life. I went to a walk-in clinic and saw a doctor who showed little interest in helping me. I basically pleaded my case to her, confessing the extent of my alcoholism and that I was quitting that day. I was fearful of withdrawals and the craving-related anxiety which often provoked my binges. She prescribed Campral and Xanax. After doing some research, I ditched the xanax (I was told by a psychiatrist I worked with that it was basically “alcohol in a pill”) but continued on the Campral.

I resentfully attended some local AA meetings (which really sucked compared to those in CA), as SOS and SMART do not exist in this part of the country. I also started lurking and posting here at SR, which is a nice online community of people striving for sobriety via different paths. I modified my diet, finding it much easier to do so once alcohol was gone, and started to exercise sporadically. I read a dozen or so books on recovery, many of which were inspirational.

Most of all, I was honest with my family, friends, and coworkers about my condition and the importance of taking care of myself. I figured if lots of people knew I was an alcoholic, I would be under much more scrutiny and pressure to succeed at remaining sober.

What it’s like now:

One full year later…

The cravings have largely subsided, though I occasionally see others drinking and having fun in public, or in movies, and a part of me thinks “man, I wish I could do that again”. Then I promptly kick myself in the ass and recite my personal mantra that “I will NOT drink, NO MATTER WHAT!”

I’ve lost 52 pounds. I’d estimate about half of that was from the alcohol, the other half from the changes I made to my diet (less sugar, less carbs, more veggies, etc).

My mood has improved. I’m much less irritable and don’t get angry over stupid little things anymore. I find myself easily forgiving others and ignoring things that I used to be offended by.

Other than missing a handful of parties and gatherings at local bars, I can’t say that abstinence has drastically impacted my social life. OTOH, it has improved it. I now find myself more interested in the mundane things of every day life. I’ve learned to laugh more. I’ve become more grateful for the simple privileges that I enjoy, and know how much worse my body, mind, and spirit could be today if I were still drinking.

Thanks for allowing me to share,

DO

I drank and drugged for 28 years, pausing only for pregnancy and child birth. Even while the grief was a constant, I am joyful person by nature and most of the time I believed my life was close to perfect.

I went to all of my kids soccer games, swim meets and choir performances. I volunteered in classes and sporting events. I helped with homework, and tutored the neighbor kids. I thought I was the perfect parent.

I married my best friend. He and I liked the same books, video games, outdoor activities and mind altering substances. We spent a year on meth, shroomed on occasion, got stoned quite a lot, and drank nightly. I cooked 3 squares a day, kept the house running, made sure we never ran out of booze and covered for him when he was too hung over to function. I thought I was the perfect wife.

Over the years we hosted lots of parties, some years it was an every- weekend occurrence. I made sure no one left drunk, gave everyone pillows and blankets and watched over my guests. I always made sure I was a notch less drunk than the rest of the gang, to keep order and tell the stories the next day. I looked down at my friends and family who would get arrested, throw-up or pee on themselves or black-out and do or say stupid things. I thought to myself, if you can’t handle your booze, you shouldn’t drink.

At 24 I lost the cousin I grew up with, he was my age. At 33 I lost the closest thing I had to a son. I believe now that every emotional injury I ever suffered stayed an open wound, and that my nightly intake of alcohol just kept the pain to a dull roar.

When the kids all left home, I noticed my husband had a serious drinking problem. I had no idea how to deal with it, or what the solution was, so I left. As a raging codependent, with the kids gone and my marriage over, I was at a loss. I had no direction what so ever.

The end of 2007, my family asked me to move in with my grand dad. He had advanced Alzheimer’s and they wanted him to be able to live out his days in his own home. With gramps to focus on, I was actually able to cut back my drinking and start a new healthy living regiment, which included losing a ton of weight and going to the gym daily. I still not dare look inward, I was a hot mess and I knew it. But as long as I had gramps to worry about, I was fine.

Gramps died in Sept. 08, I was with him til his last breath. While I was proud of myself for being able to keep him home, his death was the proverbial straw. My grief was overwhelming. I moved into my (ex)-husband’s garage in a state of abject fear. I tried to drown all of it with booze, but there just didn’t seem to be enough alcohol in the world to quiet my pain this time. The drink had quit working for me.

The next four months were a series of every worsening black-outs. I was passing out nightly in my hot tub, I woke up with a broken finger without knowing how I did it, I was hung over every morning. Every morning I would tell myself that I would abstain from drinking that evening, but 5 o’clock would find me heading out to the hot tub with 2 beers and a huge rum and coke.

December 27 2008 I had a post-holiday party, with most of my friends and lots of my family in attendance. I got black-out drunk, engaged in deplorable acts and my daughter was the one to tell me the story the next day.

I had become one of “those” drunks. The kind I detested, the kind that couldn’t handle their alcohol. I knew only 2 emotions that day, shame and despair. Shame for what I had done, and despair because I could think of no way to make it ok again.

I quit drinking to punish myself, and I quit drinking to punish alcohol. I had believed alcohol to be my trusted friend for so long, and it had betrayed me. I had done things while drunk I would have never done sober, I felt violated, as if I had been possessed.

If you would have told me the day I quit, that getting sober would lead me to a life more wonderful than my wildest dreams, I would have kept drinking. I did not want to be happy, I deserved to be miserable. I quit because sobriety sounded like the most miserable thing on the planet.

I came to SR to make sure I would stay stopped, as the punishment demanded. I came here with the tag “uglyeyes”. I could not look in a mirror without crying for weeks. It was reading here on SR that I discovered I was a codependent and an alcoholic, and that there was hope. Several months into my recovery journey, I was having trouble. Someone on SR suggested that I find a higher power, and ask for that higher power for help. My life will never be the same (thanks grateful2b <3)

Today when I look back, it feels like I had drawn shades over the windows in my soul. From the age of 16, I had lived in terror that the people I loved would be taken from me. I had lived in an altered state, with no spiritual component to my life. When I felt that first ray of Light, it changed me profoundly. I found in an instant something I had been dearly missing.

In recovery, I am constantly finding hidden or forgotten dark areas, and I do my best to throw back the shades and illuminate them.

My health and well being involves not only the physical and emotional parts of me, but spiritual as well. With my new found connection to my HP, I am able to work through my grief and heal.

I am also thankful for the recovery community as a whole, the fellowship of AA, and all of the wonderful people here in SR, especially my class of December and my fellow codies.

I love the expression “The Sunlight of the Spirit”, I truly feel like I walk in it now. I liken it to having discovered a color in the rainbow I had never seen before, and it is beautiful.

As a very shy and withdrawn, yet at the same time playful child, after a few weeks, I said, well?How about those drums!I was given drum lessons, and a rubber pad! I didn’t want a freak’n rubber pad, I wanted a drum set!

The drum teacher had told my parents, if the kid makes it a year on this practice pad, he’s meant to be a

drummer

Hell, call it pride, or false pride, i made it a year, though i was not a good student, hated the real work,

the reading and learning music, the discipline and all the rest.

Christmas came, and a Sears Three Piece Red Sparkle Drum Set was a gift,

it was the most awesome thing on the planet…

that day, of course it wasn’t good enough, I wanted more!

Even as kid the more’s were a part of my life.

A little Jr. High Band was formed, it was heaven for me, as I had not discovered booze yet, that drum set was

my booze!

Sitting behind that set, I felt like a king, powerful, and sure of myself, i had confidence.

We played lots of school dances, and a little teen joint, called the Hullabaloo

All was well, then one night, who walks in?

My Parents! i thought i was going to die, i felt real embarrassed, and all that power and secure feelings went

the wayside…

Why, why did I have those feelings?

Future drunk I would say looking back.

High School time, we were the band of the town, had all the girls chasing after me, and what did i do?

even the drums couldn’t help me overcome my shyness with that.

We played in a New York Club, i was underage, and as it was yesterday, a full pitcher of beer was given me,

slugged that down before the first set!

had a high tollerence from day one, before the night was over, three full pitchers were had by me, and i

remember thinking, wow!, thats a lot of beer!

responce, “I Deserved It, I Worked Hard Tonight” talk about justifying even back then.

The Years rolled on, we did the College seen, and that was something else…

The Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll was way over the Top!

I was drinking everyday, and drugging almost as much, coke, pills, weed, some dope, and Kanebanol!

I was one wacked out dude…

My rhythm as a drummer was still good, though the rhythm of my life was not so good…

kept it up till the age of thirty, then put the substances down, got married, gave up the bands and was like a

Deer in the headlights!

Now What?

My drinking went sky high, to not just everyday, every hour or two.

Got divorced at age 40, and managed after awhile to get in another little band, just to fill some time…

band members exspressed concerns about my drinking, and of course, i said, its ok, no worries.

well in not too shot of time, they said Bub, you lost your rhythm, your drunk all the time…

YOUR OUT!

Now what?, yep, lets drink!

It wasn’t soon after that, the drinking was down to 5-10 minutes before the phenomenon of cravings kicked in,

as i was not sober a day in almost 33 years, i didn’t have to woory about the desire for a drink, it was way

beyond that point, i needed it to exist!

My Bottom came, hit the rooms, took all the sugestions, worked my ass off on the steps,

and in my second year, i was spiritualy fit, and with the right motives to go to an open jam night in a Bar!

I remember this real top act guitar player saying to me, hey, your not like most drummers i play with, you

have such a backbone to your rhythm, you make it a dream for us guitar palyer to do what we do.

As i smiled, i said, someday you may find out how i do that…

For you see, i took the principals of the program, of the steps, and brought it to my drumming and my music…

And what is it?

Keep it simple!

No show, no flash, just a solid strong, foundation!

You see, the thing that nearly killed me, not the drums, the lifestyle of an alcoholic drummer,

has turned into one of those paradoxes…

Today, the rhythm of my life is awesome, there’s the rhythm of the meetings, this site, my daily prayer and mediations,

of my finances, and yep of my romance and more, as i try to encorporate a little rhythm in all i do.

This drunk could not have done it with out all of you, the program, my beloved P.O.E. (home group) and the

steps of A.A.

I would like to thank all the friends of Bill W, You, R.B.A. SR, my sponsors over the years, the P.O.E.

and most of all, my Powers That Be!

Grateful for the Rudiments of faith,

and were one hell of a rhythm section!

Blessings to all

May God bless you and keep you,

until then…

So to keep up the pretence that I was dealing with my problem that I wasn’t convinced I actually had I asked a friend to come with me to a meeting of alcoholics anonymous. We went that weekend and when we were nearly there I wanted to go to the pub instead! My friend refused to let me though and I will be forever grateful for that. I walked into a meeting that night and I honestly have never looked back. The welcome I got there was amazing. People took time to speak to me and to explain their story to me and even though I felt my drinking was different I felt that something was the same. I was forced that night to look at just what my drinking was doing to my life. I would suffer terrible mood swings before and after drinking, I would wake up the next day shaking and sweating. I was told that a part of the illness of alcoholism is that sometimes you will be able to only drink a few drinks and you’ll be relatively sober, but that those times are few and far between. It was so right; it was happening less and less that I could drink without getting drunk. I didn’t get into trouble every time I was drunk but every time I got into trouble I was drunk.

From that night on I did what was suggested to me. I got to a lot of meetings and started to talk about how I felt. People in those meetings loved me back to life. I couldn’t have done it without them but I also do take credit myself because I turned up at those meetings faithfully. I started to get well and I started to like myself again. Needless to say my partner left me two days after I started in AA but I didn’t drink. It hurt so badly but I didn’t lift a drink because I knew from that first meeting that I had used alcohol to cope with many things in my life. I haven’t touched any mind altering substances since being in AA on June 5th 2008 and was so happy and proud of myself to celebrate my first year sober. I have a relationship with someone new today, I have an amazing relationship with my family and I can look myself in the mirror again. Even when times get tough my worst day sober is much better than my best day drunk. I am getting on my feet financially and work is getting better and better. It hasn’t always been easy but no one promised me it would be. They just promised me that it would be worth it. My Grandfather is very ill right now and the joy is that I can actually be there for him with no regard for myself. I am terrified of hospitals but this isn’t about me. It’s about him and I will do anything I can to make him happy.
I still do as many meetings as I did in the beginning because I need that to stay sober. If I am not feeling good I pick up the phone to a fellow AA member and we talk it out. I keep sober company as I don’t ever want to be tempted to go back to that way of life again. Sober, clean and extremely happy is where I want to be.

I realize today that my life and my sobriety are precious gifts, ones that I treasure and I need to never take for granted again. Has it been easy, yes and no, life has thrown many curve balls in front of me this year, but I have not had the need to pick up and that is because AA has given me the tools and the people I needed to get through every single problem that surfaced.

When I walked into the rooms of AA, I knew I had to listen to every single thing that was suggested, I, who had 15 years sober in the past, didn’t know one thing about staying sober. I showed up and shut up, they had something that I knew I really wanted and I would do whatever it took to get it. It was suggested I find a sponsor, that was a hard one because I was not comfortable asking someone, but I did it anyway. My sponsor told me to call her every day, I don’t like making phone calls, but I did that too. I was told to call at least 3 other women and just say my sponsor told me to practice using the phone, and as hard as that was, I did it. It was suggested I make a meeting a day and the 90/90 would take care of itself, I was unemployed and I made 2-3 meetings a day, you see my life depended on it. It was suggested I take a coffee commitment, so I did. To overcome my fear of people, another suggestion was become a greeter at my HG, oh yes that was another thing, get a Home Group so I could be accountable to other people, I do have a HG and have taken a commitment of being a greeter and coffee maker. My sponsor had me start working the Steps right away, and it was in doing the Steps that I believe was the turning point in my recovery.

Has my life changed, you bet it has…I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is pray and Thank God for keeping me sober another day. I make a gratitude list every morning, just to remind me of my blessings. I still call my sponsor every morning and many other times during the day and I also reach out to many other women throughout my day. Today I have a job after being unemployed for 17 months so it is difficult to make 2-3 meetings a day but I do make at least 1 every single day, my life still depends on them. I try to always be there for anyone who wants help getting and staying sober, I give back what was so freely given to me. Today I not only work the Steps but I live the Steps. Do I have a perfect program, no, but I do the best I can each day. I try to remain teachable never forgetting where I have been. And every night before I put my head on my pillow, I count my blessings, and I Thank God for my life and for my sobriety.

I was recently asked about the 15 years I had been sober, if I regretted relapsing after all that time, and my answer is No. What I have in way of sobriety today is 100 times more than I had in all those 15 years. I have a program today, I didn’t have one back then. I wouldn’t trade this 1year sober for all those 15 years. I am truly grateful today to have been given this 2nd chance at living a sober life.

And I am very grateful for all the people I have met through this site and another who have helped me and continue to help me stay sober one day at a time. Yes I am truly blessed. Thank you.

Donna